Joining the ranks of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and (the currently-unconfirmed reports of) Jeff Goldblum, Richard Nixon died today while suffering from what witnesses say was a “minor heart attack”.
This is the fourth celebrity death this week, and the third today. Our very reliable witness states that the ex-president was eating dinner at Studio 54 when around noon he walked to the restroom claiming minor chest pains. He was found dead an hour later in Australia while at an Opera, our reliable sources say.
Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera states, “I would say that my private, unlisted sources tell me that drugs were involved”, he said while stroking his mustache. “Nixon was a known Tylenol addict, and while he didn’t go out from overdosing, Michael Jackson did have a dependency that indirectly lead up to this day. Wait, who are we talking about again?”, Geraldo went on to say.
Geraldo was met with some differing opinion, however.
“Are you stupid? Nixon has been dead for years, dumbass”, stated some random person I interviewed on the street after my Fox News session. “Everybody knows that – he died in 1994. What are you, retarded?”, the source went on to say.
But, with an always-right mustache-endowed reporter like Geraldo freaking Rivera saying it, and the non-biased Fox News reporting it, I consider this to be confirmed. Everybody has their own opinion, but some are just wrong, as our second source clearly was.
Nixon was one of the best presidents we ever had, never putting his nose anywhere near trouble or any form of it. As a Republican, I side with Nixon on every decision he ever made, since they all must be better than any Fox-bashing democrat would make.
Our current “president” Obama could learn a lot from Nixon, being a non-Republican and all. I personally mourn the loss of any Republican party member, but I especially mourn the loss of an always-right never-wrong Republican president like Nixon.
If he instead went into the music industry, he would have outsold Michael Jackson at any show at any time. Likewise with acting compared with Fawcett or Goldblum. He’s just awesome for being Right-wing!
R.I.P. Richard Nixon, and may your head come back in a jar-thingie in the future like Futurama depicts.
(disclaimer: this is so fake its not even funny. You would think I wouldn’t have to do this, but these days, I have to cover my tracks before somebody goes around thinking this is real and tries to sue me later. Please don’t. If you thought this headline was real, please unplug your computer, go outside and sit in a tree while holding your breath all the way. May offend some hardcore, unable-to-laugh-at-themselves Republicans.)
But wait, you forgot to include a famous Nixon quote. Let me help. How about “I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky”. Oh wait that was an never right, always wrong president.
@daveapaug
Really? Let’s see, how about The Onion, Maddox, and the humor section of The Huffington Post. Please verify your sources before bashing us, fine sir. That said, I love critics – no matter how ignorant they are.
ROFLMFAOOOO!!! @ always-right never-wrong Republican
Tip of the iceberg. Unfortunately, we are headed down a slippery slope with regards to our news. Any idiot with a blog can be mistaken for a reporter of the real “news”. The phrase “dont believe everything you see”, has more meaning now than ever. The whole “comedic news segment”, a la SNL’s Weekend Update, doesn’t work via the written word. Sarcasm and Irony dont really work in written form as well as in the verbal form. Everybody doesnt get it, and you spread disinformation.
Dude, you’re an idiot!! President Nixon died like 15 years ago. Go take another hit buddy.
(EDIT: this user is apparently mentally retarded for missing all the fake tags and the bigass disclaimer made for idiots just like him.)
OMFG! Nixon died????? And just when they released those tapes of him saying such wonderful things about mixed-race babies. If only he had lived another day to see the public singing his praises as he certainly deserved.