So Wikipedia has always seemed like a goldmine for getting funny reactions from people via trolling, and they sure didn’t let me down in my own attempt. This isn’t a regular techie piece, but rather a humorous parody of Wikipedia editors via stereotypes and a very successful trolling attempt.

First off, before we piss any of our dedicated readers off, I know this doesn’t apply to everybody. There are Wikipedia editors (from here on referred to as “Wikipedians”) whom have lives, don’t worship Jimmy Wales, aren’t obese etc. This is just a parody of those whom do, and that spend every waking moment improving Wikipedia.

Hey, even I use Wikipedia constantly to look stuff up, but some people obsess over it too much, and that’s the point I’m making. Now, with all that out of the way…

Step 1: Create a Wikipedia account

Well, for my vandalistic constructive edits to be accredited to The Coffee Desk, I had to register an account. The user ‘Fat Slob‘ already existed, so I just went with the non-creative name of TheCoffeeDesk (now defunct/blocked – see below).

Step 2: Create a “real”-looking user page

With a valid user account, I was ready to make edits. After making a valid-looking user page, that is:

(please note that the “new messages” link above looks just like a real alert, only linked to the Penis article. The “typical wikipedian” link went here: typical wikipedian)

The text on my user page reads:

Hi, my name is Mark and I’m from The Coffee Desk. My goal for Wikipedia is to get as many Barn Stars as possible, as it has been my lifelong dream since childbirth (or since Wikipedia’s inception, at least). Having a small image and a few lines of text placed on my talk page is a huge accomplishment for me, and is well worth the days spent editing in exchange (as opposed to having a girlfriend, working, or anything “normal” like that).

Hey, some might even consider me a “Wikipedia nazi” of sorts for all of the constructive edits I will be making, so prepare yourselves – I take no prisoners when it comes to improving the Internet Encyclopedia!

Ta-ta!

Step 3: Contribute!

So, with a valid-looking user page and all, I was ready to make edits. I started minor, merely placing quotation marks around the word “outspoken” in the second paragraph of the article about Helen Keller (see here).

Then, I slowly stepped it up. I edited the Boingboing article to include a word about the phrase’s historical usage in sexual behaviour (seen here), before getting much worse.

I made the article about famous stuttering jazz musician Scatman John stutter, before replacing the entire Enzyte article with an image of a buttplug.

Then, I did my worst:

Jimbo Wales, the founder of Wikipedia, is practically the Internet Jesus to these nerds. His page is protected by an army of geeky teens, so I had to go a little more low-key by instead making a movie about him.

I’m referring, of course, to the edit I made to Bruno, where Jimbo Wales becomes a gay austrian.

Blocked, etc.

That did it. Those little geeks were so pissed about me messing with their god that they blocked the account indefinitely after that. They also threatened to remove all links to our site from Wikipedia, concluding that we must have put them there since we’re such bullies (and therefore spammers).

No, we didn’t put them there, but couldn’t give a care about whether or not they’re removed – I came and got what I wanted. The reactions I got from these guys was priceless (and lost with the banishing of the account, with no screenshots ): ).

My block appeal (declined):

I never meant any harm, just wanted to improve Wikipedia and earn a barnstar, as has been my lifelong dream. Other users, such as those above, have guided my edits to be even more constructive, and I deserve that this should be taken into consideration in the process of unblocking me so I can make constructive edits here on this wonderful web encyclopedia.

You see, since childhood I’ve wanted nothing more than a page on a widescale encyclopedia so I could improve the universe, making wonderful contributions (such as speling correction) to said encyclopedia, and to get a golden star for my efforts. When I found out about the Wikipedia project, I was thrilled and made a vow to do everything I could to get a barnstar.

Now, it appears I shall never have the opportunity to win said barnstar, and this saddens me to a great point. I just wish there was some way to go back, or perhaps win a second chance, to earn a barnstar by making only constructive edits now that I’ve been shown the true way, as this would bring great happiness to my life.

Such a feat would allow me to draw a line through “Win a barnstar” on my bucket list, so that I can move on to the next item on the list (bungee jumping using a morbidly obese person as an anchor). Such things make me happy, and would allow me to reflect on my life with great happiness, feeling I’ve left a great mark on this world, hence my name.

So I would appreciate any consideration in this matter, O great Wikipedian Administrators. I could really improve this encyclopedia, given a chance with the guidance I have been receiving. I thank you all for your time and patience in this matter, and ask that you give this some consideration for both my and Wikipedia‘s benefit.

In Jimbo Wales,
TheCoffeeDesk

Priceless. I realize that this seems like a pretty lowlife attempt to troll, but Wikipedians have had it coming for such a long time, and this wasn’t the first attempt by far (nor the last).

So we’re blocked, and I pissed off a bunch of Wikipedians. But I got the reactions I desired for all along, as well as a pretty funny post. Worth it? Oh yeah, absolutely.

(And Anthony has a story in a similar vein coming up, where he responds to spammers/scammers via Email with some pretty hilarious material – stay tuned!)