Spam – something we can all identify with, right? Well lately, Gmail’s spam filter let a few slip into the inbox of the email account for this site, and I decided to take the opportunity to get a few laughs out of it in the same manner as Mark’s recent Wikipedia trolling.
So it all starts with the first one to make it to the inbox, which happened to be one of your typical “You’ve won a random Email lottery drawing” scams. The email addresses of the spammers have been (snip)’d out to protect the “innocent” (so I don’t get sued or anything).
Spelling/grammar mistakes on my part are intentional, whereas those of the spammers are probably accidental. Just so you know.
From: (snip)
To: The Coffee Desk <thecoffeedesk@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Jul 20, 2009 at 2:53 PM
Subject: Winner
Mailed-by: ucd.ie
The Sum Of £500,000 Pounds has been won by your EMAIL Address in our UK Online Promo.
Send your info:
Name
Sex
Occupation
Country
To: (snip)
Date: Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 10:05 AM
Subject: Re: Winner
Mailed-by gmail.com
Really? Gee wilikers, I’ve never won nothing like this in my whole life! Here’s that info you want:
Name: Ben Dover
Sex: Yes please!
Occupation: Mortician
Country: America
From: (snip)
To: The Coffee Desk <thecoffeedesk@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 7:35 PM
Subject: TO: Ben Dover ”CONTACT THE COURIER COMPANY FOR DISBURSEMENT”
Signed-by: btinternet.com
THE BRITISH ONLINE GAME 2009
UK National Lottery,
P O Box 1010 Liverpool
L70 1NL UNITED KINGDOM
Attention: Ben Dover,
We have received your mail and we hereby use this medium to explain to you how your e-mail address emerge winner in the just concluded UK Online Lottery Promo, It was a random selection of E-mail addresses ranging over twenty one thousand (21, 000) E-mail addresses and the selection was carried out by the E-mail Selective System (ESS) and your email address was selected as one of the lucky winners in the category ”D” of our last draw this means that you and as well as the other winners in your batch have been approved for a cash prize of Five Hundred Thousand British Pounds Sterling’s (500, 000: 00GBP), given below is your winning parameters and you are advised to keep them safe to avoid third party, do read the bellow information so as to enhance a successful disbursement of your winning fund to you.
(snip about 5 more paragraphs of the same rubbish, “send us this info” etc.)
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Helen (snip)
Online Co-ordinator
UK ONLINE LOTTERY PROMOTION’S
From: The Coffee Desk <thecoffeedesk@gmail.com>
To: HELEN (snip)
Date: Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 8:16 PM
Subject: Re: TO: Ben Dover ”CONTACT THE COURIER COMPANY FOR DISBURSEMENT”
Mailed-by: gmail.com
‘ello, Helen!
I am truly am thankful for having won something for once in my life! You see, I’ve never won anything before in my life, and upon reading your email I was so thrilled I almost spilled my Acai berry juice!
Actually, I almost forgot – I did once win a stuffed animal from the circus once when I was a little boy, so while this isn’t the first thing I’ve ever won, it should certainly end better than my past experience.
The bear I won was made in China, if I recall correctly. Unfortunately, the prized bear (whom I named “snuggles”, after the laundry commercials) was left out in the lawn by accident one day after one of our many tea parties together and was mauled by my father’s lawnmower shortly thereafter.
But, having won 500,000 British pounds, I will be sure not to leave them laying in the lawn after tea parties as I did to poor snuggles. A lesson learned, I suppose, for both the loss of Snuggles and the belt lashings my father gave me for littering the lawn with snuggles’s cottony guts.
Unfortunately, dear Helen, I cannot claim this prize. You seem like a person I can trust with this information, so here goes – I happen to be a spy for the Chinese government, MI7. It is a top secret organization nobody is supposed to know about, with ninjas and such at their disposal should anybody learn of their presence.
And by the way, ninjas would beat pirates any day of the year. I’m sorry if you are a pirate fan, but I clearly admire ninjas more so than pirates when it comes to the pirates vs. ninjas debate, and I’m sure I’m not alone.
But anyways, yes – I am a spy, and therefore cannot provide you with the information you have requested of my at this time. Later, if I am not mauled by a lawnmower or ninjas (or a combination of the two, although I don’t see how even somebody as awesome and sneaky as a ninja could sneak up on me with a lawnmower), I might be able to provide you with my real name and other information.
I’ll at least provide you with my real name for now: Mike Hunt.
Again, I am truly sorry for all this. Especially if you are a pirate fan, but don’t worry – I was very depressed upon finding snuggles in 500 shreds amongst a pile of freshly cut grass, so I too have experienced true depression.
At the tender age of sixteen, when I found snuggles dead in shreds next to our tea party table, I took out my depression by holding my breath until I turned blue and passed out onto the patio. I was then sunburnt having been left out in the sun for so long, but the pain from that distracted me from the emotional loss of snuggles.
But anyways, lease let me know if we can work out some other arrangement as far as delivering the 500,000 pounds. Imagine how many more snuggles that could buy, or even a ninja outfit! Or if you wish to share with me a depressing childhood story not unlike my experience with snuggles.
I thank you for both the contest, and for your quick response to my drawing.
Sincerely,
Justin Time
Helen never did respond to my lengthy response, but I might have an idea as to why. All in all, I gave her about three blatantly-fake names, and I’m sure that (along with the snuggles story) might have tipped her off as to the validity of my excitement for winning a fake UK lottery.
But dear Helen (if that was her real name) wasn’t the first to be responded to, although she had the most interaction of any of the spammers I messed with. You see, shortly after the Helen exchange, I was the lucky winner of yet ANOTHER UK lottery:
From: UK National Lottery
Reply-to: (snip)
To: The Coffee Desk <thecoffeedesk@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 6:12 AM
Subject: ***CONFIRM RECEIPT DEAR WINNER***
Mailed-by: nerim.net
UK NATIONAL LOTTERY HEADQUARTERS
The Marina Offices, St Peters Yacht Basin,
Newcastle upon Tyne, NE6 1HX England
Dear Winner,
Seven Hundred and Fifty thousand british pounds has been awarded to your
email in our new year uk international lottery sweepstakes. Your email
address was selected from a list of over 21,000 email addresses drown
online, no tickets sold. You are hereby advised to contact our claims agent
with your name,address/country via her email address below for more details
on how you won and the delivery/transfer of your winnings to you.
(snip contact info)
Sincerely,
Dr. John (snip)
FOR UK NATIONAL LOTTERY BOARD.
To: (snip)
Date: Fri, Jul 24, 2009 at 11:48 AM
Subject: Re: ***CONFIRM RECEIPT DEAR WINNER***
Mailed-by: gmail.com
WOW! Really?! With that kind of money, I’d never have to work again!
750,000 pounds?! I’m calling my boss right now and quitting – I don’t need a stinking job with that kind of money at my disposal!
Now, the information you requested so I may claim my prize and live my life of wealth, fame, and happiness:
My name: Harden Thicke
country: America
I don’t have an address anymore since I am technically homeless, using this Internet Cafe for all my emailing needs. But thankfully, this money shall be enough to purchase a new house! At least I know not to practice my torch juggling in the living room anymore, as was my mistake with my old house.
This is truly a once in a lifetime experience, and I thank you for everything including holding this contest in the first place and kindly selecting a random email address. These days, you would imagine this sort of thing to be a scam or something!
Thank you,
Mike Rotche
They never replied, needless to say. But I did, however, get a pretty good thread going from the next scammer (the classic Nigerian “lost relative” bait)
From: (snip)
Reply-to: (snip)
To: The Coffee Desk <thecoffeedesk@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Jul 23, 2009 at 7:24 PM
Subject: Please reply to this my private email sule_mohamed02@voila.fr
Mailed-by: msn.com
FROM: SULE (snip)
AUDITING / ACCOUNTING DIRECTOR
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA(BOA)
BURKINA-FASO WEST AFRICA.
My dear I am contacting you in regards to a business transfer of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make anyone apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. I decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.
PROPOSITION; I discovered an abandant sum of $11.5M(Eleven Million Five Hundred thousand United states Dollars) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family. Since his death, none of his next-of-kin or relations has come forward to lay claims to this money as the heritier. I cannot release the fund from his account unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines. Upon this discovery, I now seek your permission to have you stand as a next of kin to the deceased as all documentations will be carefully worked out by me for the funds $11.5M(Eleven Million Five Hundred thousand United states Dollars) to be released in your favour as the beneficiary’s next of kin.It may interest you to note that I have secured from the probate an order of madamus to locate any of deceased beneficiaries.
Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of my mutual business endeavour by
furnishing me with the following;
1. Your Full Names and Address.
2. Direct Telephone and Fax numbers.
If this proposal is acceptable by you, do not take undue advantage of the trust I have bestowed in you, I await your urgent email.
Regards,
Your;s faithfully,
Sule (snip)
From: The Coffee Desk
Date: Fri, Jul 24, 2009 at 11:58 AM
Subject: Re: Please reply to this my private email sule_mohamed02@voila.fr
Mailed-by: gmail.com
Dearest Sule,
This transaction does not worry me a bit! It’s not every day I’m approached as the possible next-of-kin to a dead and wealthy African stranger!
Your proper Engrish and speling makes me believe this to be a genuine offer, as nobody would be low enough to attempt to scam me in this manner, I am sure. I am sure that I am the nearest of kin to your customer, given the sheer authenticity of your email.
My full name is Mike Rotch, and you can find me in the United States of America.
Alternatively, you can contact me at my private telephone number (from within the U.S. only) of (911)-329-1186. Do not forget to begin with ’1′ if dialing long distance, good friend.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention, as this is truly a unique offer and I have never been approached about anything even remotely like this ever before.
Thanks,
Mike Rotch
From: (snip)
Reply-to: (snip)
To: The Coffee Desk <thecoffeedesk@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Jul 25, 2009 at 3:34 AM
Subject: Please reply to this my private email sule_mohamed02@voila.fr
Mailed-by: msn.com
FROM: SULE (snip)
AUDITING / ACCOUNTING DIRECTOR
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA(BOA)
BURKINA-FASO WEST AFRICA.
Is this Joke? i am offering you a very huge sum of United States Dollars and you mock me as?
I do not find this funny. If your name truly is “Mike Rotch“, then my apologies in this urgant matter. But your name and phone numbers appears to be joke, and i do not apreciate my time wasted.
if you are the lost relative to my client, please give me your real name and addressing information, otherwise, please do not further contact me as it is a waste of my time in this matter at hand.
regards,
Sule (snip)
From: The Coffee Desk
Date: Fri, Jul 25, 2009 at 6:09 PM
Subject: Re: Please reply to this my private email sule_mohamed02@voila.fr
Mailed-by: gmail.com
Dearest Sule,
I am very sorry you feel this way about my name. My parents did not love me, and clearly showed it by assigning me such a horrid name. It caused me to be beaten up by bullies in school, and the snickers behind my back at the grocery store continue to haunt me to this day. Apparently even Africa laughs at my name.
I can’t help but to think that my parents obviously didn’t want me to be born given the name they bestowed upon me, Mike Rotch, but given the lack of funds they had at the time an abortion would have been too costly.
I can’t help but to feel that this long-lost relative you speak of was the cause for all of this monetary misery on their behalf, as he apparently was filthy rich without sharing the wealth. I despise of such people almost as much as I despise of tomatoes.
And I really don’t like tomatoes.
You see, as a child, I was pelted with tomatoes by the other children as a result of my funny name, along with my friend Harden Thicke. Together, me and Harden would play together in the graveyard where we could not be bothered by the other children.
This went on, of course, until Harden had his name changed during his high school years. After the name change, he too began to make fun of me for my name, and would pelt me with tomatoes along with the other kids.
Now, whenever I pass a tomato in the grocery store, I shriek. Once, one rolled towards me after falling out of the bin, and I screamed so much that the police came and locked me up in the local jail for the night. The other inmates thought my name was hilarious.
So you see, I have had a hard life living with a name that sounds distinctly like “my crotch”. And as if the pain could get no worse, I now have you, Mr. Sule, continuing to make fun of me even from Africa.
It would even be of a further shame if this whole thing turned out to be a scam or something, in which case I would change my name before promptly killing myself (the name change necessary so as to avoid a grave marked as “Mike Rotch” in the cemetary).
The information I have given to you has been correct, Mr. Sule, and I would appreciate your cooperation and professionality in this matter. I apparently have a long-lost rich relative out there, and I could use that money to perhaps change my name or move to a new place.
I hear it is very hot in Africa. And the AIDS problem would probably not complement my heroin addiction, which my psychologist says is a side-effect of being made fun of in my youth.
So I ask for your cooperation, Mr. Sule. And nothing less.
Regards,
Mike Rotch
…Mr. Sule didn’t contact me any more after that last one.
And as a side note, the fake phone number I provided to him ((911)-329-1186) is significant because the preceding 911 would instantly trigger an emergency call in the U.S. I don’t know if his attempt to reach me via that number is part of what ticked him off so much.
But anyways, I may have discovered a comedy goldmine in replying to spam Emails in this manner. I will continue to do so and post the results in the future, but in the meantime enjoy this post as an experiment to mess with those whom mess with us enough as it is 
.
I have a funnier one for you.
I like to use this web-based email service called pointofmail. It’s ok, getting worse as more email providers are filtering out things or warrning about opening certain emails. Anyhow, I can send them an email from any (yes) any email address I want, even there own address. When they open it they are looking at a web-based email which means I can go back and change it anytime, or delete it. It also tells me what ISP they used and what time and how long they looked at it or even if they forwarded it. I contact that ISP and let them know there customer is spamming me.
That’s hilarious. I just started forwarding dating sight spam to “the bank of nigeria” spam among others and can’t help but laugh that they reply back. “your a woman?” lol