Dear Nintendo: Stop Killing Zelda, Please
So Nintendo is nearing the release of The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks pretty soon, and I have some things to get off my chest about this. I’ve read all the information about this latest Zelda title, and Nintendo appears to be raping the series yet again.
First: I’m A Zelda Fanbody
I started off with the third title, A Link To The Past, and fell in love with it. Ocarina of Time came out, and was one of the best games I’ve ever played in my life, with Majora’s Mask falling right along those same lines.
So I’m no stranger to the series, and I can honestly say that I love those games more than chocolate.
Now, when Wind Waker came out, I felt a little betrayed by the cel-shaded animation as opposed to the traditional 3D graphics used by OoT and MM, but never-the-less I gave it a try…
…And was horrified.
“The Wind Waker syndrome”
As if the gay cel-shaded animation was bad enough on the eyes, they had me riding around in a boat hunting down pieces of triforce. Stupidest thing I’ve ever had to do in a Zelda game, and believe me – I played every single one of those Majora’s Mask side-quests.
I never even finished Wind Waker. I felt betrayed, and felt it did no justice to the series whatsoever. Then, as if all my complaints to Nintendo finally meant something, Twilight Princess came out.
I hated the title because I had to recite it in Block Buster to rent the game (doesn’t sound very masculine), but I had to try it. It was great – it brought back the old OoT feel, and even acted like it had a place within the Zelda storyline in respect to the other titles.
I loved it. It wasn’t any OoT or anything, but it was a relief from the stupid-ass cel-shading and cartoon bullshit.
Words don’t even describe how pissed I was when they turned around from Twilight Princess to return to the horrendous cel-shading crap. I didn’t even waste my time.
And now, as if they are just begging me disown my beloved series, they pull this yet again. Only this time, they ditched the boat and went with a steam train.
Nintendo, what the hell are you smoking.
As if riding around in a boat and collecting stupid miscellaneous items wasn’t tedious and retarded enough, some genius at Nintendo decided to:
- Make it a train this time
- Make it a FUCKING TRAIN this time
- Make you once again hunt for stupid items…
- …In something that clearly doesn’t fit in the Zelda universe
I mean, it’s a train. Come on. And a steam train, too – how did they invent this when Robert Fulton didn’t event the steamboat until the mid-1800′s? (that’s not a cue to make another steamboat game, nintendo)
Let me get this straight – here you have cel-shaded Link, running around in a TUNIC, trying to save a princess (just a wild guess), and he’s going to do it in his steam train while living in a tree.
Makes perfect sense, if you’re on crack. Maybe that’s just it – somewhere between Majora’s Mask and Wind Waker Link found a crackpipe, and started puffin’ up on that Kokiri rock so get over the loss of Navi, hence the cel-shaded-ness of Wind Waker et al.
Oh, he came off the pipe just long enough to make Twilight Princess, where he found that while he was away sailing around stoned – all hell breaks loose in Hyrule. But now he’s back on the pipe again, following the loss of Minda. So it goes.
Nintendo DS + Train = Goodbye RPG
So you’re on a train, right? Trains run on tracks. Funny thing about tracks, is that they only go where the track-layer wants them to go.
That’s right, goodbye traditional “Let’s go explore here now” Zelda gameplay – you’re going only where the tracks are gonna take you. Oh, the DS lets you realistically draw tracks on the touchscreen as a dungeon bonus – but that’s about it.
And that’s on your unrealistic steam train, while you’re in your tunic, shooting stuff out of cartoon canons (god forbid the kids see any actual violence like they see on MTV). All this in your trippy, cel-shaded universe.
Zelda is dead to me. I’ll sit here in refuge, with my SNES and N64, playing the Zelda I’ve always known and loved. You can have that cel-shaded crap – I’m done with it.
Nintendo is killing the best series to ever hit the gaming industry, and it saddens me. I’m sure that I’m not the only one whom thinks so, either. But I’ll at least be the only one to say it – Fuck Nintendo, and the death they’re bringing to the Zelda series.
(see also: the commercial failure Azurik: Rise of Perathia, which also had you going around collecting fragments in a terrible attempt to be considered a “game”. The Wikipedia article on it has obviously been edited by the game creators.)