The Coffee Desk

Tips For New Cat Or Kitten Owners

I’m sorry, readers. This article is 100% off-topic and not technology-centric at all, but it is something I feel that I must put out there. You see, I was given a kitten about a week ago by a friend, and there are some things you learn with experience that you feel necessary to pass on to others.

You might find some of these humorous, you might not, but they’re all true. Again, I apologize to our tech-expert readers, but just ignore this post – there are more to come soon. For those considering getting a kitten or in need of a good laugh, read on…

So I have a new kitten, and here are some things you should keep in mind when getting one yourself:

Declaw ASAP

My leather Lazy-Boy chair, R.I.P. Same with the carpet next to my bedroom (goodbye security deposit) and the same for my foot. Somehow, foot = creature under covers which must be attacked at 4am.

Declaw your cat/kitten. There’s a set amount of time before this can be done, but as soon as the time passes it is in your best interest to do so. Learn from me and my shredded armchair.

Anything Not Bolted Down Is A Cat Toy

I have had my keys carted away about three times within the past few days, causing me to be late to work one day. Same goes for a few things around the house, such as a salt-shaker in my kitchen.

If you don’t hide it, put it up (WAY up) and wind up “losing” something, check underneath almost every surface around the house that the object can fit under – it’s probably there. You may even find some places you never even knew existed.

Store-Made Toys Are Useless

I bought one of those little kitty-hell things I’ve always seen in Wal-Mart from time to time for kitty to play with instead of, say, my keys or checkbook. What happened, you say?

Kitty stared at for about five minutes before attacking my watch.

So its pretty much useless to actually pay for stuff. A crumpled up tin foil ball provides more fun than a scratch tree, at least until it joins the ranks of the other tin foil balls collecting under your couch.

Clean Laundry = Cat Bed

My nice, washed any dryed clothes are now covered in a thin layer of white cat hair. Put your clothes away ASAP after washing/drying them – otherwise they will become a habitat for fur. Trust me.

Spay/Neuter

And the list is as follows (for my male kitten):

• A stain on my armchair from piss
• A Cracker Jack-style “special surprise inside” of the back of my closet (A.K.A. turd)
• A puddle RIGHT NEXT to the litter box (almost isn’t the same as making it)
• A fresh coat of piss in the corner of my kitchen before work one day
• And finally, a second piss stain on my armchair.

It’s like there’s a vendetta against my favorite chair or something, if you notice.

Kitty Hungry?

Then you’re either going to feed it now, or else face the consequences (lost sleep early in the morning, destruction, being attacked in your sleep, destruction…)

It usually happens around 5am – I wake woke up at 6:30-7 for getting ready for work. First, the stare you can just feel in your sleep. Then, the soft meows. Then the loud meows. Then getting walked on several times.

Anything after that usually includes the sudden disappearance of said cat, only for you to later discover an act of destruction that took place somewhere during that time frame (usually in the form of piss or hidden necessities)

Heed My Words

They are so cute, what with their little eyes and such. But don’t be fooled – that little prick will cause destruction on a scale the likes of which you’ve never seen. The kitten itself was free, but the total amount of damage and food/litter costs are terribly expensive.

I mean, come on. It’s insane.

So take my advice if you are getting a kitten/cat as a pet. Otherwise, you will join me in the pain I have already experienced. And it isn’t fun or cheap, either. Enjoy your demon kitten.