I’m sorry, readers. This article is 100% off-topic and not technology-centric at all, but it is something I feel that I must put out there. You see, I was given a kitten about a week ago by a friend, and there are some things you learn with experience that you feel necessary to pass on to others.
You might find some of these humorous, you might not, but they’re all true. Again, I apologize to our tech-expert readers, but just ignore this post – there are more to come soon. For those considering getting a kitten or in need of a good laugh, read on…
So I have a new kitten, and here are some things you should keep in mind when getting one yourself:
Declaw ASAP
My leather Lazy-Boy chair, R.I.P. Same with the carpet next to my bedroom (goodbye security deposit) and the same for my foot. Somehow, foot = creature under covers which must be attacked at 4am.
Declaw your cat/kitten. There’s a set amount of time before this can be done, but as soon as the time passes it is in your best interest to do so. Learn from me and my shredded armchair.
Anything Not Bolted Down Is A Cat Toy
I have had my keys carted away about three times within the past few days, causing me to be late to work one day. Same goes for a few things around the house, such as a salt-shaker in my kitchen.
If you don’t hide it, put it up (WAY up) and wind up “losing” something, check underneath almost every surface around the house that the object can fit under – it’s probably there. You may even find some places you never even knew existed.
Store-Made Toys Are Useless
I bought one of those little kitty-hell things I’ve always seen in Wal-Mart from time to time for kitty to play with instead of, say, my keys or checkbook. What happened, you say?
Kitty stared at for about five minutes before attacking my watch.
So its pretty much useless to actually pay for stuff. A crumpled up tin foil ball provides more fun than a scratch tree, at least until it joins the ranks of the other tin foil balls collecting under your couch.
Clean Laundry = Cat Bed
My nice, washed any dryed clothes are now covered in a thin layer of white cat hair. Put your clothes away ASAP after washing/drying them – otherwise they will become a habitat for fur. Trust me.
Spay/Neuter
And the list is as follows (for my male kitten):
- A stain on my armchair from piss
- A Cracker Jack-style “special surprise inside” of the back of my closet (A.K.A. turd)
- A puddle RIGHT NEXT to the litter box (almost isn’t the same as making it)
- A fresh coat of piss in the corner of my kitchen before work one day
- And finally, a second piss stain on my armchair.
It’s like there’s a vendetta against my favorite chair or something, if you notice.
Kitty Hungry?
Then you’re either going to feed it now, or else face the consequences (lost sleep early in the morning, destruction, being attacked in your sleep, destruction…)
It usually happens around 5am – I wake woke up at 6:30-7 for getting ready for work. First, the stare you can just feel in your sleep. Then, the soft meows. Then the loud meows. Then getting walked on several times.
Anything after that usually includes the sudden disappearance of said cat, only for you to later discover an act of destruction that took place somewhere during that time frame (usually in the form of piss or hidden necessities)
Heed My Words
They are so cute, what with their little eyes and such. But don’t be fooled – that little prick will cause destruction on a scale the likes of which you’ve never seen. The kitten itself was free, but the total amount of damage and food/litter costs are terribly expensive.
I mean, come on. It’s insane.
So take my advice if you are getting a kitten/cat as a pet. Otherwise, you will join me in the pain I have already experienced. And it isn’t fun or cheap, either. Enjoy your demon kitten.
Hi Stephen,
I hope you don’t take this offensively…I mean it in the most helpful of ways.
As the owner of a sweet new kitten and someone who has been responsible for taking care of/babysitting many cats, I have a few problems with this post. It sounds like you resent the cat you were given rather than like you are relishing the joy of caring for a kitten and training it. It also sounds like you have taken zero time to properly train your cat.
1. “Declaw ASAP”
As many posters have said, this is the CRUELEST thing you can do to your cat. Declawing a cat is the equivalent of cutting off a human finger to the first knuckle…that would suck, right? (I mean, especially since you spend so much time on the computer…) Cats are wild animals when they are born, and they have natural instincts to use their claws to climb, groom and defend themselves. What if your cat gets outside and encounters a foe? They will be defenseless without claws, not to mention incredibly uncomfortable.
2. “Anything not bolted down is a cat toy.”
Here, it seems like you haven’t trained your cat to understand “yes” and “no.” There are many ways to train your cat to know when you are happy and when you are annoyed with them. If your cat plays with something you’d rather they didn’t, you can do a few things. Using a firm voice, you can say no…they respond to voice pitch and tones. You can also place the item out of reach, or spray Bitter Apple on it, which is odorless to humans and harmless, but cats hate how it tastes and quickly learn to stay away from it. Finally, you can get a spray bottle and give your cat a little mist of water when you catch him in the act of doing something you dislike.
3. “Store bought toys are useless”
This statement is also untrue. I raised my cat from 3 weeks old, even bottle fed her and helped her eliminate. She has a number of stuffed animals and a store bought toy from Wal-mart (haha) that she loves. First of all, young kittens don’t like catnip, so if you’re giving a cat younger than 9 months a toy with catnip, you can expect them to turn their nose up at it. Try rubbing it on their body and on yours or on things they like to get the smell into it…and be patient. After a couple of days, they should get interested, especially if you’ve made it clear what they are NOT to play with (see above).
4. “Clean Laundry = Cat bed”
This is probably because for some strange reason your cat still loves you, and likes the smell of your clothes…also, your laundry is comfy! You can avoid the fur mess by brushing and grooming your cat regularly (they have great brushes for this that make cleanup a cinch at Wal-mart and pet stores). Also, buy or make a cat bed for your cat, place some of his favorite items in it, or even an old piece of your clothing that you don’t care for, and show it to your cat. Place him inside. Eventually he will get the hint and will probably want to sleep in his own bed.
As you can see there are easy solutions to all these issues…
5. “Spay/Neuter”
This is actually a great idea. But it has very little to do with their use of the litter box. If you haven’t properly litter box trained your cat, you’re going to be in for some inappropriate elimination (i.e. piss on your arm chair). If your cat is old enough to be marking his territory and using his pheromone spray all over everything to attract mates, which smells HORRID btw, then it may be time to neuter him. But definitely TRAIN your cat to use the litter box..don’t just put one out there and hope for the best. There are myriad videos and readings online about this process, and it’s very simple.
6. “Kitty Hungry?”
Sounds like your cat is getting pissed at you in the mornings. Kittens are like children, they LOVE routine. Most kittens also need to eat after they wake up from sleep. You may notice your cat take a cat nap and then go to the food bowl once he wakes up. This is typical. If you don’t want to get woken up so early, try leaving some food and water out the night before (enough to last the night, as they will probably munch on it throughout). Also, learn cat meows. Cats have about 100 words in their vocabulary in the form of meows, hisses, growls, purrs, etc. You need to know what your cat is asking for…he is trying to communicate with you, and if you ignore his requests, (notice he starts off nice and gentle and only gets annoying when you ignore him) he will feel neglected and subsequently angry and probably do something to piss you off (the most common cat revenge is inappropriate elimination, which you seem to be getting a lot of).
Remember, cats and dogs are VERY different. Cats do not have the innate desire to please you like dogs do…instead, they want to know what’s in it for them. Their ENTIRE psychology is based on EMOTION, so don’t bother with logic when trying to communicate with/understand your cat. Instead, learn the meows, the tail movements, the facial expressions, etc…you can even quick 2 minute watch videos about this online and you will learn a LOT.
Kittens ARE fun, and they are NOT demons…they are BABIES. Would you ignore a human baby’s cries for food, would you resent them waking you for their needs (which they do), would you maim their limbs and digits when they touch or break something? Probably not, and you shouldn’t treat an animal of any other species that way either. Kittens need a LOT of love, attention and care, as well as training depending on how old your cat is when you obtain him. You need to understand the natural wild instincts of your animal and cater to them, not hinder them. Otherwise you are just placing them in a prison, and they could be much happier elsewhere with an owner who loves and understands them. (Oh, and they can tell if you don’t like them too). If you can do this for them, you will find your cat will grow up to be a wonderful, loyal and loving friend and companion with a lot of personality. They will also grow up to be largely independent, as they are highly intelligent.
There are simple solutions to all your kitty problems…if you had taken as much time to research them as you did to write this piece of crap, you might have solved them without having to ever write this in the first place.
I just had to reply once I saw that you go to USC, since I’m a junior there. =) I just got a little demon but apparently he didn’t go to hell school with yours, he hasn’t done much besides sleep and eat!
Oi vey!
NEVER de-claw a cat or kitten. It is cruel, and there is a very simple solution. Nail clippers! About once every 2 weeks, plus 1 minute of your time … clip the sharp tips off, problem solved.
I’m afraid nothing on this list applies to my new kitten.
Declawing may not be necessary if the kitten is able to be taught against scratching at a young age. This means not purchasing a scratching post, but I think a scratching mat of cardboard is okay. My last cat never ever scratched the furniture, and my new kitten hasn’t either.
My kitten doesn’t play around with anything of mine that it shouldn’t, cause he just doesn’t find it fun. Likewise, my kitten loves his store-bought roller-ball toy and has not once laid on the clean pile of sheets I’ve had on the floor for the last few days. Clean laundry does nothing for him.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that all kittens are different and this list isn’t very representative of the kitten experience. Its like having a child – you may end up with one that is overly hyper and tears up your household, but its up to you to teach them to act differently with non-violent discipline tactics.
But tip for food: just leave out dry food for him, and they’ll eat when they’re hungry – no getting up early.
I have two cats and they always wait for me to clean the litter tray just before they crap in it again. The record so far is 6 poo’s in 10 minutes.
Gotta love them though=D
Its a cat, my cat is declawed and lives a very happy life. Cats and humans are not the same.
Declawing is cruel to the cat. Cats expect to be able to climb up things using claws, and know they can use claws as weapons, so when this option disappears, they become very upset and may also become fear-aggressive and prone to biting. In its phsychological effects it is not dissimilar to chopping off human fingers. Think how you’d feel if you lost them.
There are humane options such as removable claw “thimbles”, scratch trees, closing doors to rooms with valuable items and training the cat what is and what isn’t appropriate to scratch. If you have no patience to do things the humane way, and are not willing to accept the risk of things getting destroyed by scratching, do the cat a favour and let someone else adopt it.