“Michael Jackson Alive”

Proof It Is A Hoax

That’s all folks. Move along, nothing to see here, other than Mashable completely wrong again (refer to the 4chan hacking post for our other Mashable-bashing session)

And for those that still wish to read fake news, here is the news that Richard Nixon died, reported earlier this year.

“Michael Jackson Alive” Video Confirmed A Hoax originally appeared on The Coffee Desk on August 30, 2009.

This is the fourth celebrity death this week, and the third today. Our very reliable witness states that the ex-president was eating dinner at Studio 54 when around noon he walked to the restroom claiming minor chest pains. He was found dead an hour later in Australia while at an Opera, our reliable sources say.

Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera states, “I would say that my private, unlisted sources tell me that drugs were involved”, he said while stroking his mustache. “Nixon was a known Tylenol addict, and while he didn’t go out from overdosing, Michael Jackson did have a dependency that indirectly lead up to this day. Wait, who are we talking about again?”, Geraldo went on to say.

Geraldo was met with some differing opinion, however.

“Are you stupid? Nixon has been dead for years, dumbass”, stated some random person I interviewed on the street after my Fox News session. “Everybody knows that – he died in 1994. What are you, retarded?”, the source went on to say.

But, with an always-right mustache-endowed reporter like Geraldo freaking Rivera saying it, and the non-biased Fox News reporting it, I consider this to be confirmed. Everybody has their own opinion, but some are just wrong, as our second source clearly was.

Nixon was one of the best presidents we ever had, never putting his nose anywhere near trouble or any form of it. As a Republican, I side with Nixon on every decision he ever made, since they all must be better than any Fox-bashing democrat would make.

Our current “president” Obama could learn a lot from Nixon, being a non-Republican and all. I personally mourn the loss of any Republican party member, but I especially mourn the loss of an always-right never-wrong Republican president like Nixon.

If he instead went into the music industry, he would have outsold Michael Jackson at any show at any time. Likewise with acting compared with Fawcett or Goldblum. He’s just awesome for being Right-wing!

R.I.P. Richard Nixon, and may your head come back in a jar-thingie in the future like Futurama depicts.

(disclaimer: this is so fake its not even funny. You would think I wouldn’t have to do this, but these days, I have to cover my tracks before somebody goes around thinking this is real and tries to sue me later. Please don’t. If you thought this headline was real, please unplug your computer, go outside and sit in a tree while holding your breath all the way. May offend some hardcore, unable-to-laugh-at-themselves Republicans.)

BREAKING NEWS – Richard Nixon Dead At 81 originally appeared on The Coffee Desk on June 25, 2009.